Yesterday, I got overwhelmed by all the upcoming workload of this semester and finally broke down. As strong as I wanted to try to be, I couldn’t, because it was all so daunting, so big, so very big, I couldn’t handle it. New things to learn, so many things to do, so many new people to get friendly with, I don’t like to interact with people, but I love having friends.
All I wanted to do was to let myself lean against concrete, because I couldn’t support myself. Couldn’t hold on, just felt like leaving everything behind, fear, anxiety…
But could I? I can’t be selfish. I can’t be that weak. I have to hold myself strong.
I went to bed, crying myself to sleep, this is starting to become a habit now.
Woke up this morning not having the mood at all to get out of bed to go anywhere. That need to run away came back, the fear to get up and face the day, face the modules I signed up for, I didn’t want to, it was paralysing. How do my friends do it? They seem so content and happy, so strong, just go through the motions and get through it, why can’t I do the same?
Came home straight after lessons and crashed on my couch almost instantly. Slept and woke up, fell asleep again, the cycle continues twice more, finally I saw the corn under the refrigerator. (http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.sg/2013/05/depression-part-two.html)
I chose those modules because I loved what they promised to teach, to make me understand. Why am I making myself miserable by focusing on the details? No. Focus on the end result. Focus on the big picture. The big picture. I chanted the big picture, the big picture.
I have to get through this.